Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

It was Monday! During rounds Nathan and I stood around like lost puppies waiting for the doctor to give Nikolai the green light to go home. The weekend went by fast and we were beyond ready to take our little precious home. Dr. Salem came in with a big smile and said today was the day. I jumped up and down making squealing noises and Nathan couldn't stop smiling. Of course there were somethings we had to take care of before he could leave. Nikolai had to do the famous NICU car seat test and have a "room in" night. The car seat test is simple and quick. He has to sit in his car seat for an hour without having oxygen being given to him and not have his stats go under 90. He passed with flying colors. It was the longest time he spent awake, he loved being in there and we loved seeing him smile and play. It was the most active we had ever seen him, of course before he would occasionally do incredibly adorable newborn stuff. Like remove his oxygen tube once a day because he didn't want it on his face or let out one loud yell to remind you he is there (he use to never cry). This hour was so beautiful, he looked so healthy and happy, He was a different baby than when he was in his crib. But that day was going to be long day and we had a lot to do before we could leave. It was feeding time, I fed Nikolai a bottle, went through our regular routine and he passed out in my arms. Well Nathan and I saw this as an opportunity to go back to our house to do some final touches. We left him with the nurse he had for the day. She was new to us, never seen her before but she was real sweet. Super excited we went home. 

We walk in the NICU, scrub in, video camera in hand and huge smiles on our faces. We go straight to his room and pick him up and start talking about all the fun stuff we're going to do when he gets home. Like watch mommy's Disney movies, cuddle, listen to all of daddy's vinyl, cuddle, walk around the park everyday and cuddle some more. The nurse comes in and tells us that while we were gone his stats went down into the 70's. She said she tried all the usual tricks to see if it would go back up but it wouldn't go higher than 85. So she decided to turn back on the oxygen.  

My world fell fast and hard. My face was blank, I stared at her with a dumbfounded look on my face. I had such an overwhelming rush of emotions but my mind couldn't react fast enough to show any, so I showed none. I closed my eyes and sorted through my feelings and what was happening. I was devastated, crushed, hopeless, impatient, asking God why. I was angry at the nurse, I had left my son with her for just a couple hours, how could she have let this happen. She didn't try hard enough. It was her first time with him! She didn't know his "tricks" she didn't know anything! Then all that anger I turned on myself. Why wasn't I there? He needed me and I wasn't there. It was not the nurses fault that she did not know the little twerks of Nikolai, but I did. I could have helped him. 

  

The nurse kept talking but it was muffled. I could tell by her face and body language tell that she was truly sorry that she had just shattered all of our hope and happiness. "I'm so sorry. I know you guys were looking forward to leaving today but Nikolai is still not ready. We just have to give him more time. And I know you're good parents and will give him everything he needs. I have seen you here everyday I have worked since your son was admitted. You guys have stayed loyally by his side for the past three weeks. A couple more days is nothing. Your strong together" I started to cry I couldn't hold it in. For the past three weeks I had not cried or teared up in front of anyone in that hospital, I wanted to be strong for Nikolai, to look strong. But I wasn't. I was weak. Nikolai was the source of all my strength yet he was the most fragile one in the room. She was right though. Nikolai deserved all the time in the world and we were going to give it to him. I was being selfish. I wanted him to go home, I wanted to hold him without any wires, I wanted to show his beauty to everyone I came in contact with. Me, me, me. The hospital was all he knew. He was in no rush to go home, he could care less about doing all the fun stuff we had told him about. Nikolai just wanted us, his mommy and daddy no matter where we all were. He needed a little more help, more time, all the wires and all the love we could give him.

Too Much Hope Is Not Always Good

It was July 16, my birthday. "This is the week" I kept repeating to myself. As if saying it would make it happen. The doctors and nurses told us everyday. "Soon enough, he is doing great. A lot better than expected." Their words would always give me hope. Maybe to much hope, I would cling to every word, every syllable. I was praying so hard that he would be home by my birthday. Our family would go out to eat or have a little get together and I could show of the most perfect thing God created, my son. But that Monday was just like every other Monday. I had woken up forgetting what day it was until the phone calls and text messages came flooding in. I didn't care, didn't want to talk to anybody, I wanted nothing but to cuddle with my little chunk-a-monk and not have a care in the world. Of course my loved ones would not let me. I was invited to have dinner with my family, then hang out with some friends. It would be our first night away from the hospital. When I left the hospital to go eat, I felt disgusted. A knot started to form in my stomach. How selfish am I? I'm leaving my son. He needs me with him and I am going out. I felt like a horrible mother. I know now that I was being hard on myself, I deserved a break but that day I was depressed and I definitely looked depressed. Nobody knew how to talk to me or what to say. So they didn't. 

The next night we stayed in the hospital. There are only two parent rooms for the whole NICU floor. The rule about who gets the room is simple: Which ever child has the most severe case, his or her parents would get the room. Well when we stayed home the night before an new couple stayed in our room, the other was being used as well. But when we came back and asked to stay in a room, it was given to us. This of course infuriated the mother. I over heard her arguing with the head nurse on my way to Nikolai's room. "This is outrageous and unfair. I've been here two weeks I always see them here, They have stayed in that room so long. it's not fair" I understood how she felt. I had felt it yesterday. In a way it was unfair, who wants to leave their child in the hospital. Then she said something that changed my opinion. "What is so wrong with her baby!?! Why does he get special rule. My baby is sick too. He doesn't need them like my son needs me. Why do they deserve to stay!?" I wanted to rip her throat out. 'WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY BABY?!?!' But before I could open my mouth to speak the head nurse said everything I wanted to but with a calm, level head and some attitude in her voice. "It is none of your business what is going on with their son. It is my job to see who deserves the room. Their son is in a more serious condition than yours. Your son is leaving in a couple days. Their son isn't. You're right they are here all the time, even when they don't stay in the hospital, they are here on time for all of his feedings. Which is not what I can say for you. I'm sorry mam my decision is final." BOOM BABY! I felt proud that other people had seen how committed we are to Nikolai and appreciated it. That mother gave me the stink eye everyday after that until their son was discharged.  

Nathan and I would sit in Nikolai's room just staring at the monitor. Counting the times his oxygen level would dip below 90. When it did we would whisper little words of encouragement. "Come on buddy, bring it up, you can do it. Good job!" It seemed to happen right after he had a bottle and fell into a deep sleep. We all started to think he had acid re flux. So the nurses decided to elevated his bed and put rice cereal into his breast milk. Well technically it was the doctors orders but the nurses do all the hard work so i give them more credit. Hopefully this was the trick. These were the simple things that were going to let us go home. It seemed to work by Wednesday. His stats were beautiful. Nothing below 85, even after feeds and he was still breathing at room oxygen! Friday morning during the usual rounds the doctor informs me while I was feeding Nikolai that if all goes well during the weekend Nikolai should be going home on Monday! I get so excited I tear up, but he keeps repeating 'if all goes well this weekend'. I rush into the room to tell Nathan the good news. He wakes up instantly and tells me to repeat everything the doctor said. I guess he didn't believe me because he ran out to the hall to ask the doctor himself. The doctor told us again but just like the doctor Nathan made sure I understood that it was a possibility not a sure thing.