Too Much Hope Is Not Always Good

It was July 16, my birthday. "This is the week" I kept repeating to myself. As if saying it would make it happen. The doctors and nurses told us everyday. "Soon enough, he is doing great. A lot better than expected." Their words would always give me hope. Maybe to much hope, I would cling to every word, every syllable. I was praying so hard that he would be home by my birthday. Our family would go out to eat or have a little get together and I could show of the most perfect thing God created, my son. But that Monday was just like every other Monday. I had woken up forgetting what day it was until the phone calls and text messages came flooding in. I didn't care, didn't want to talk to anybody, I wanted nothing but to cuddle with my little chunk-a-monk and not have a care in the world. Of course my loved ones would not let me. I was invited to have dinner with my family, then hang out with some friends. It would be our first night away from the hospital. When I left the hospital to go eat, I felt disgusted. A knot started to form in my stomach. How selfish am I? I'm leaving my son. He needs me with him and I am going out. I felt like a horrible mother. I know now that I was being hard on myself, I deserved a break but that day I was depressed and I definitely looked depressed. Nobody knew how to talk to me or what to say. So they didn't. 

The next night we stayed in the hospital. There are only two parent rooms for the whole NICU floor. The rule about who gets the room is simple: Which ever child has the most severe case, his or her parents would get the room. Well when we stayed home the night before an new couple stayed in our room, the other was being used as well. But when we came back and asked to stay in a room, it was given to us. This of course infuriated the mother. I over heard her arguing with the head nurse on my way to Nikolai's room. "This is outrageous and unfair. I've been here two weeks I always see them here, They have stayed in that room so long. it's not fair" I understood how she felt. I had felt it yesterday. In a way it was unfair, who wants to leave their child in the hospital. Then she said something that changed my opinion. "What is so wrong with her baby!?! Why does he get special rule. My baby is sick too. He doesn't need them like my son needs me. Why do they deserve to stay!?" I wanted to rip her throat out. 'WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY BABY?!?!' But before I could open my mouth to speak the head nurse said everything I wanted to but with a calm, level head and some attitude in her voice. "It is none of your business what is going on with their son. It is my job to see who deserves the room. Their son is in a more serious condition than yours. Your son is leaving in a couple days. Their son isn't. You're right they are here all the time, even when they don't stay in the hospital, they are here on time for all of his feedings. Which is not what I can say for you. I'm sorry mam my decision is final." BOOM BABY! I felt proud that other people had seen how committed we are to Nikolai and appreciated it. That mother gave me the stink eye everyday after that until their son was discharged.  

Nathan and I would sit in Nikolai's room just staring at the monitor. Counting the times his oxygen level would dip below 90. When it did we would whisper little words of encouragement. "Come on buddy, bring it up, you can do it. Good job!" It seemed to happen right after he had a bottle and fell into a deep sleep. We all started to think he had acid re flux. So the nurses decided to elevated his bed and put rice cereal into his breast milk. Well technically it was the doctors orders but the nurses do all the hard work so i give them more credit. Hopefully this was the trick. These were the simple things that were going to let us go home. It seemed to work by Wednesday. His stats were beautiful. Nothing below 85, even after feeds and he was still breathing at room oxygen! Friday morning during the usual rounds the doctor informs me while I was feeding Nikolai that if all goes well during the weekend Nikolai should be going home on Monday! I get so excited I tear up, but he keeps repeating 'if all goes well this weekend'. I rush into the room to tell Nathan the good news. He wakes up instantly and tells me to repeat everything the doctor said. I guess he didn't believe me because he ran out to the hall to ask the doctor himself. The doctor told us again but just like the doctor Nathan made sure I understood that it was a possibility not a sure thing.