Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

It was Monday! During rounds Nathan and I stood around like lost puppies waiting for the doctor to give Nikolai the green light to go home. The weekend went by fast and we were beyond ready to take our little precious home. Dr. Salem came in with a big smile and said today was the day. I jumped up and down making squealing noises and Nathan couldn't stop smiling. Of course there were somethings we had to take care of before he could leave. Nikolai had to do the famous NICU car seat test and have a "room in" night. The car seat test is simple and quick. He has to sit in his car seat for an hour without having oxygen being given to him and not have his stats go under 90. He passed with flying colors. It was the longest time he spent awake, he loved being in there and we loved seeing him smile and play. It was the most active we had ever seen him, of course before he would occasionally do incredibly adorable newborn stuff. Like remove his oxygen tube once a day because he didn't want it on his face or let out one loud yell to remind you he is there (he use to never cry). This hour was so beautiful, he looked so healthy and happy, He was a different baby than when he was in his crib. But that day was going to be long day and we had a lot to do before we could leave. It was feeding time, I fed Nikolai a bottle, went through our regular routine and he passed out in my arms. Well Nathan and I saw this as an opportunity to go back to our house to do some final touches. We left him with the nurse he had for the day. She was new to us, never seen her before but she was real sweet. Super excited we went home. 

We walk in the NICU, scrub in, video camera in hand and huge smiles on our faces. We go straight to his room and pick him up and start talking about all the fun stuff we're going to do when he gets home. Like watch mommy's Disney movies, cuddle, listen to all of daddy's vinyl, cuddle, walk around the park everyday and cuddle some more. The nurse comes in and tells us that while we were gone his stats went down into the 70's. She said she tried all the usual tricks to see if it would go back up but it wouldn't go higher than 85. So she decided to turn back on the oxygen.  

My world fell fast and hard. My face was blank, I stared at her with a dumbfounded look on my face. I had such an overwhelming rush of emotions but my mind couldn't react fast enough to show any, so I showed none. I closed my eyes and sorted through my feelings and what was happening. I was devastated, crushed, hopeless, impatient, asking God why. I was angry at the nurse, I had left my son with her for just a couple hours, how could she have let this happen. She didn't try hard enough. It was her first time with him! She didn't know his "tricks" she didn't know anything! Then all that anger I turned on myself. Why wasn't I there? He needed me and I wasn't there. It was not the nurses fault that she did not know the little twerks of Nikolai, but I did. I could have helped him. 

  

The nurse kept talking but it was muffled. I could tell by her face and body language tell that she was truly sorry that she had just shattered all of our hope and happiness. "I'm so sorry. I know you guys were looking forward to leaving today but Nikolai is still not ready. We just have to give him more time. And I know you're good parents and will give him everything he needs. I have seen you here everyday I have worked since your son was admitted. You guys have stayed loyally by his side for the past three weeks. A couple more days is nothing. Your strong together" I started to cry I couldn't hold it in. For the past three weeks I had not cried or teared up in front of anyone in that hospital, I wanted to be strong for Nikolai, to look strong. But I wasn't. I was weak. Nikolai was the source of all my strength yet he was the most fragile one in the room. She was right though. Nikolai deserved all the time in the world and we were going to give it to him. I was being selfish. I wanted him to go home, I wanted to hold him without any wires, I wanted to show his beauty to everyone I came in contact with. Me, me, me. The hospital was all he knew. He was in no rush to go home, he could care less about doing all the fun stuff we had told him about. Nikolai just wanted us, his mommy and daddy no matter where we all were. He needed a little more help, more time, all the wires and all the love we could give him.