October was the month it all started. I had been having pregnancy scares a couple months earlier and each time I would get anxious before i took a pregnancy test. But my husband and I would get a little disappointed when the results showed the negative sign. The one time I didn't have a doubt in my mind that I was not pregnant, the test showed a small pink positive sign. Still on the toilet I began to cry my eyes out. All the reasons why I shouldn't or couldn't have a baby flooded my head." I haven't gone to college yet, we are living in my in-laws garage, I had just turned 19, we aren't financially stable, we cannot afford this baby." Still crying, I told my husband the news, he was instantly overjoyed and change my outlook on the situation. I began to love the little human inside of me.
When I was about 21 weeks we went in to see if my little sea monkey was a boy or girl. The day of the ultrasound there was non-stop commotion in my tummy. The baby was kicking, doing flips, pushing my organs around to make more room. I felt sorry for the technician, who was new at the time, she couldn't do her full evaluation on him because he was moving so much. She had to bring in another tech and even she was having a hard time. It was all fun and giggles from everyone in the room except the technicians. After 45 minutes of them trying to do a check up their facial expressions began to get worried some. They said nothing as one stepped out and the other helped me wipe off all the gooey ultrasound gunk off my belly. As soon as my family and I were going to leave she stops me and says "It was difficult for us to see your baby and the head of the department has some concerns he would like to speak to you about." A couple minutes later a small frumpy old man comes in the room and in a monotone says "We saw that you have a single umbilical artery, which means your umbilical cord has only one artery and one vein instead of two arteries. we also found some complications with your baby and would recommend you see a specialist." Just like that, no explanation, no comfort, just a plain stare and then leaves the room.
My world crumbled, I didn't understand the umbilical cord situation, was it the reason my Nikolai had "complications" was I going to loose my baby boy? what were the complications? were they life threatening? I had so many questions that I couldn't get answered for another two weeks. I finally got to see a specialist who asked me why I was there I told her I honestly didn't know. She then told me that the ultrasound technician found that i had a single artery umbilical cord, my sons arms and legs were shorter than the norm, his kidneys had excess fluid, he had a spot on his heart and he had a thick nuchal fold (the space under the skin at the back of the neck). I was shocked and furious by how much the head of the ultrasound department didn't tell us. The specialist, whose name I wish I could remember, was such a sweet lady, she explained that the umbilical cord had nothing to do with with the "complications" Nikolai had and most of the time the babies with a two vessel cord were born perfectly fine. Together we ruled out the previous complications except the spot on the heart and the skin on the neck. Nikolai was healthy she explained the small hole in his heart is not causing any problems and will most likely close up once he is born it was just considered a marker for Down Syndrome. So was the thick nuchal fold, average babies will have a 4 mm nuchal fold and Nikolai's was 9.4 mm.
After we were done my husband and I saw the Genetic counselor. She explained Trisomy 21 and other forms of Down syndrome in a scientific form and in plain English. We were given the opportunity to get an amniocentesis, we accepted. She then asked in a low hushed voice, with her head lowered and her eyes looking at us like she just ran over our dog, "if the test comes back positive...would you like to terminate the pregnancy?" Confused at first i answered. 'Terminate? What? Why? He is my baby, I've grown attached to him in the last 5 months, no way." The room lit up as if a dark cloud had been blown away, everyone had a smile on again.
A couple days later I was watching a show that had a girl with Down Syndrome as one of the actors, I instantly started crying. I wasn't devastated that my son was going to look like her or he was not going to be 'normal'. I just realized that a test could not determine who my baby is. He is still going to be beautiful, lovable, amazing and perfect in every way because he is MY son. No syndrome, disability or abnormality is going to make me love him any less. I then decided I didn't want to know the results to the amnio. I called my husband at work, told him to tell the specialist to call his phone with the results and not to tell me anything, i don't want to know. Later on in the week my husband asks me if I was sure I didn't want to know the results. I look at him and can see sadness in his face. He then says, " I know you don't want to know and we made a deal that I wouldn't say anything but I really need you right now. I can't do this by myself." I knew that meant the test was positive. Nikolai had Trisomy 21. The biggest smile took over my face, I felt over powering joy, and a couple giggles came through my huge smile. The news brought me closer to my little boy, i was excited that I knew something special about my baby before he was born. We had a heart felt discussion and knew we could handle this. God gives you what he knows you can handle.
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